nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
