hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
You're a waste of cheezeits
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
