hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
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