I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
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