Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Randomize
