I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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