I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
