I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
