I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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