Plan B is the new Plan A
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
