This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
