he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
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