does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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