Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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