I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
