Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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