Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
