my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Randomize
