all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
NoShamevember. You game?
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Randomize
