i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
He had one of those small greek statue penises
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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