dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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