Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I love you.
Bad choice
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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