Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
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