if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
