glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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