i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
