I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
