The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
