I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
