So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
