im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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