I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
He passed out mid-signature
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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