she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Randomize
