Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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