I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Are my feet made of real feet?
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
