wanna go halves on a baby?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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