Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Is it because I queefed?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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