at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
