Old men and throwing up are my life now.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
