I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
