38 yer olds are good kisserssss
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
