I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I think I won the penis lottery.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
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I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
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You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
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