mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
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