time to smoke my breakfast
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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