hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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