They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
