Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
