Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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