I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
