The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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