Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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