Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
