u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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