Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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