I hope my margaritas pass through security.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
