its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Randomize
