i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
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