In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
