The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
