i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Randomize
